


Just Like the Ones I Used to Know

by What_we_are



Series: Holidays [1]
Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Cute Kids, Jesse talks non-graphically about Todd raping him, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rated Explicit for Mike giving Jesse a blowjob, Romance after a long friendship/mentorship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:41:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21765604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_we_are/pseuds/What_we_are
Summary: Mike is alive and he finds Jesse in Alaska. They do cute things like make cookies with Jesse’s new friends and cut down their own Christmas tree, while also dealing with Jesse’s trauma and their feelings for each other.
Relationships: Mike Ehrmantraut/Jesse Pinkman, Todd Alquist/Jesse Pinkman (mentioned)
Series: Holidays [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1727983
Comments: 29
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by Porkchop_Sandwiches.

“Hello.” 

It was him alright; Mike thought when he heard Jesse’s voice. “Hello, is this John Driscoll?” he asked.

“Mike?”

Mike was pleased that Jesse recognized his voice. He was standing in the frozen food aisle of a small, overpriced grocery/hardware store. It was overpriced because it was outside the continental United States, not because it was fancy. 

“Can I meet you at the diner?” Mike asked.

“What? You’re in town? Why don’t you just come over?” Jesse sounded older. His voice was deeper. 

“I was hoping you’d say that. Can I make you dinner?”

“I guess. I was going to have cereal.” 

Mike got two bags of groceries and headed out. The gravel parking lot had many layers of compacted snow over it, so it was slicker than shit. He carefully got in his pick-up, and put the paper bags on the seat next to him, then changed his mind and put them on the floor. 

His worldly belongings were in two duffle bags behind the truck’s bench seat. He didn’t bring any nice clothes. It was all flannel, wool, and denim. He was wearing boots, a parka, Carhartts, and a Pendleton wool shirt that was green, red, and blue. The blue wasn’t really noticeable though. It was pretty much a Christmas shirt and with Christmas five days away, why the hell not? He felt a little foolish walking around in Carhartts that hadn’t ever seen a day of work, but that was what he’d heard Alaskans wore, so there he was in heavy canvas work pants. 

He sat there, not putting the key in the ignition.

He went back into the store and got an overpriced little Christmas cactus with hot pink buds. 

The older woman cashier approved. “Hello, again. People like poinsettias, but they don’t survive very long. They’re almost disposable. I like these better. I have ten in my kitchen windows at home, one of every color. Every color I know of, anyway.”

Mike nodded and handed her the money.

The cashier put his plant in a bag and handed it back to him. 

She said, “That looks like a good one. Some of mine at home don’t flower and some of them are worshiping the wrong god and flowering at Halloween.” She shook her head.

Mike chuckled. 

“Have a Merry Christmas,” she said.

“You as well.” 

Mike carefully walked across the ice out to his truck. He reached behind the seat and unzipped a duffle bag. He got out some aftershave and put on a small amount. If only he could wear his old clothes: his button downs and slacks. 

His truck had brand-new heavy-duty winter tires, of course, but he took it slow anyway. 

When he came to the end of the long, wooded driveway and saw Jesse’s cabin, the porch light was on, and there was a candle burning in the front window. 

Jesse opened his front door before Mike even turned off his truck. Jesse came up fast and gave him a hug that lasted several minutes, or at least it seemed to. He latched on and wouldn’t let go. It felt wonderful. Mike held him back. No rubbing, or patting, just holding tight. 

Jesse broke the embrace and took a step back. “I thought you were dead.”

“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t want to risk a letter. After Walt brought me my bag, I saw Ed and went to California.”

“California?” Jesse asked. When Mike didn’t elaborate right away, Jesse said, “Shit, I’m sorry. Let’s get inside. It’s cold as shit out here.” 

Jesse took the shopping bags. “You got clothes and stuff?”

Mike folded the seat forward and got out his luggage, such as it was. 

In the light of the porch Mike could see Jesse’s facial scars and he tried to not have any reaction. 

Jesse opened his cabin door and looked back at him, “Pretty gnarly, huh?” He tilted his head so Mike could see all of them.

“I’ve seen worse,” Mike answered.

Mike wanted to cry and kiss every scar and promise Jesse that nothing like that would ever happen again. Beg for forgiveness – that’s what he wanted to do. For him to be wasting time out in the desert, while this happened to Jesse, it was unthinkable.

Mike said, “That flower in the bag is a present.”

Jesse took it out and stared at it as if no one had ever given him a gift. 

Mike took off his big coat and put it on a hook on the wall. Jesse was still staring at the plant. 

“Does it remind you of something bad? We can throw it away,” Mike said. He took the plant out of Jesse’s hands and set it on the kitchen table. 

Jesse partially came to. He hugged Mike again, this time loosely with his head on Mike’s shoulder. “I can’t believe you’re alive. I gotta go for a minute.” 

Mike looked around while Jesse was in the bathroom. It was pretty much a three-room cabin. There was a kitchen/living room, a bathroom, and Jesse’s bedroom. Cozy. There was an old couch, a woodstove, a bookcase with dozens of books about recovery from addiction and otherwise. Little carved wooden figures and a big geode sat on the shelves as well. Jesse had a TV and video game console, which pleased Mike. 

Jesse came out, still drying his face. “Thank you for the plant.”

“You don’t have to keep it.”

“No, it’s not a trigger. It’s just having you here and . . . being happy. I don’t know how to explain it. It helps to wash my face with cold water. It, like, resets things.”

“Let me know if I should go. No hard feelings. I was going to just knock on your door—“

“I’m glad you called.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah.”

Mike started getting out the food. He put a few eggs on to boil and set the bag of frozen green beans on the counter. He used his hands to mix up Italian bread crumbs, raw egg, and raw hamburger. He looked in Jesse’s cupboards for salt. It was mostly cereal in there, some canned fruit and canned vegetables, shelf-stable milk. A few spices. He checked the timer on his hard-boiled eggs. 

Meanwhile, Jesse fed the woodstove. Then he messed with the record player and some Motown Christmas favorites started playing. 

“You don’t have a tree,” Mike commented. 

“I got tons of ‘em. I own fifteen acres.”

Mike smiled. “Do you wanna cut one down tomorrow?” 

“Well, aren’t you in the spirit of the season? What are you making? A goose, like, from Emily Dickens or something?”

“Meatloaf.”

“And deviled eggs?”

“No, those go in the meatloaf. You get slices of them when you cut it. It’s how my mother used to make it.”

“Is that a Pennsylvania thing?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Her people were German. I’ve never seen it in a restaurant like that, but it’s the way I’ve always made it.”

Jesse leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. “What else did she make for you?”

Mike looked at him with one eyebrow raised. “Why so curious?”

“I’ve never heard you talk about your childhood.”

“She made me fruitcake. She made a bunch of them for all the relatives and friends and neighbors, but she put a red piece of yarn around the brown paper on mine ‘cause it didn’t have almonds, and it had extra candied cherries just for me.”

“That’s sweet. Should we make some? We got nothing but time on our hands.”

“You have to make it months ahead for the brandy to really soak in.”

“Something else then. I don’t do brandy anyway. We could go to the store tomorrow.”

“Okay. It’s a date.”

/

Over dinner Jesse asked, “So where were you in California?”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I thought you’d gotten out. I never imagined . . .”

Jesse crinkled his forehead, “No, I’m not being like that. It’s not on you at all. I told you I was out. I should have been out. I . . . it’s a long fuckin' story.”

“I’ve read that part that was in the papers,” Mike said. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I just wanted to say that if I’d known, it would not have happened.”

“You did everything right, Mike. You told me to go to Alaska. You told me to look out for myself.” 

They each ate a little, and drank some water. 

Jesse asked, “For real though, where did you go?” 

“Oh, way out, near Joshua Tree, in Indio. It was miserably hot, but cheap, and it let me get my bearings. Not too far away was a bird sanctuary for migrating birds. I’d go there a lot and chat with the rangers. I made a little checklist of the birds I’d seen.”

“Why’d you pick there?”

“Ed recommended it for the Mexican food. And I wanted to see a date palm.”

Jesse laughed. “Like a palm tree that grows dates.”

“Yeah, they’re interesting.”

“You said it was cheap. Do you need money?”

“I’m doing okay. How about you?”

“I got a lot from Todd’s apartment. I have some left after paying Ed and buying this place. I barely spend any. Let me know if I can help you out.”

/

After dinner, while Mike was putting away leftovers and Jesse was washing the dishes, Jesse said, “You can sleep in my room. I washed the sheets a few days ago. I’ll take the couch.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah it’s a comfortable couch. Just, if you get up or whatever, don’t turn off the kitchen light. I like having light when I sleep.”

Mike nodded. “I’m actually pretty tired from the drive. I think I’ll turn in.” 

“I gotta go to a meeting in a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

Mike looked around Jesse’s room without touching anything. The walls were decorated with magazine photos of mountains and trees. There was one poster of a tropical beach, another of Mt Fuji. All around the top of the walls there were Christmas lights. Not one or two strands, but a lot, both colored and white. 

Mike noticed there wasn’t a door. He took off his clothes and laid down in his shorts and undershirt. The down comforter and quilt felt good and heavy on top of him. 

Jesse came to the doorway. “I loaded up the woodstove. It usually stays warm enough in here.”

“Thank you.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Mike. I’ll be back in an hour and a half.”

“My name’s John now.”

“Are you kidding? We need to get Ed a baby-naming book.”


	2. Chapter 2

There was a big pink rock on the kitchen table that hadn’t been there the day before. 

After twenty minutes of having their coffee and cereal, Mike asked, “What’s with the rock?”

“It’s a Himalayan salt lamp. It’s got a light bulb in there. One of the members of the grief group just got her inheritance, so she got them for everybody for Christmas. It plugs in.” Jesse got out the cord from under it. “It’s good for you somehow, like, spiritually.”

“You believe in that?”

“I need all the help I can get,” Jesse said. “Ready to head out and get a tree?” 

“Sure.” 

They both got decked out in winter gear and went on the porch. It was cold enough to make breathing a little uncomfortable at first. 

Jesse explained, “Commercial Christmas trees are pruned to be full like that. These natural ones are leggy.” He pointed to a small fir about forty feet from the cabin. 

Mike said, “Sparse is okay. It’s not like we have much for decorations.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Jesse pointed at his shed and they walked over to it. “Did you used to do Christmas with Kaylee? Put up a big tree and stuff?”

“Yep. The whole nine yards: tinsel, colored lights, balls, some ornaments she made at school.”

Jesse unlocked the shed. Inside were some tools and a four-wheeler with a trailer. He got some pruners, and a hacksaw off its nail on the wall. 

“Is the four-wheeler for hauling firewood?” Mike asked.

“Yeah, I log here a little. I get deliveries of full logs that aren’t straight enough to mill. I get enough wood for myself and to make it a part-time job. I also trade with my friend.” They walked towards the scrawny tree Jesse had mentioned. “Let’s head west and see if there are any good spruces.”

Mike followed. “What do you barter for?”

“Deer meat and beeswax candles. Her name’s Maggie. She’s got two kids -- seven and ten. They’re real live-off-the-land types.”

“Can people garden here?”

“Some things like kale and beets grow outside. She’s got a greenhouse type room attached to her house so she can have herbs and lettuce and tomatoes and stuff year-round.”

They walked on for a while.

Jesse shared, “She wanted to hook-up, but I was scared.”

Mike pointed to some rabbit tracks and Jesse nodded.

Jesse went on, “We fooled around, but it didn’t feel right kissing her when I knew she was looking for more than I could give. I mean, I can’t even sleep next to another person. I have nightmares and I know I fight in my sleep. I heard a story about a guy that came back from Iraq and tried to strangle his wife in his sleep. I could see myself doing that. The dreams seem real.”

“Maybe they’ll ease up with time,” Mike offered, although it sounded lame even to his own ears. 

Jesse pointed to a split in the path. “We lookin’ for a white spruce or a black spruce?”

“I honestly couldn’t say.”

“I’m thinking we should go left.”

“Okay by me,” Mike answered. “So was she disappointed?”

“I don’t know. We’re just friends and I’m an informal uncle to her kids. I told them I’d be there for Christmas Eve dinner. Do you want to go?”

“Yeah, if she says it’s okay.”

“She will. She’s totally chill.”

Much of the night’s snow had landed on the branches overhead, but there were a couple inches on the path. 

The sun was shining, but nothing was melting. 

Mike said, “How tall are you thinking ‘cause that one looks perfect.” He pointed at a five-foot tree with lots of good, sturdy branches.

“That’s a pine.”

“Do you like it?”

Jesse got a peaceful look on his face. “Yeah. I do.”

Mike wanted to kiss him. That story about Maggie was on his mind, and against his better judgment he felt jealous of her. Him, an old man, feeling jealous of a single mom who hadn’t even got what she wanted; it was sad.

Jesse got on his knees and used his pruners on a few of the lowest branches that would get in the way while they were cutting the tree down. He backed up and shook the tree so the snow would fall off. Mike handed him the saw and he sawed a third of the way through the trunk. 

Jesse asked, “You want a turn to, like, fully experience the Christmas magic?”

Mike got down in there. The saw was sharp. Each pull got him noticeably further through the wood. It smelled good. 

“Smells good doesn’t it?” Jesse asked.

Mike agreed, “Yep. You wanna hold the top? I’m almost through.”

“Already?”

“Yep.”

They hauled the tree back pretty easily. They’d only walked twenty minutes to get to it. 

As they were pulling the tree along the snowy path, Jesse blurted out, “I don’t have a tree stand.”

“We can put it in a bucket of water and lean it against the wall.” 

The tree barely fit through the door. Jesse went and found a bucket in his shed and filled it half-way with cool water. They moved some things and set the tree in the bucket in the corner so it could lean against the walls. 

“Do you wanna get more lights, or use that ones from your room?” Mike asked.

Jesse had his hands on his hips and was looking at the tree. “Let’s see if we can buy more.”

“All right. You wanna go out shopping now?”

“Yeah.” Jesse turned the tree a little and nodded. “Looks good, huh?”

“It looks great. I know how to make paper snowflakes if we can’t get our hands on any ornaments.”

Jesse smiled. “Another thing your mother taught you?”

“No. Actually, Kaylee taught me. She picked it up at school.”

“I’m glad you’re here Mike.”

“Me too. But don’t let me interrupt your routine if you have to do firewood, or go see friends, or do more meetings or whatever.”

“My activities are pretty minimal. You pretty much covered it right there. I got one thing per day so I’ll see another face, either the library, AA, Maggie, the store, the diner with a friend, or a Grief Group meeting at the church. Oh yeah, I’ll call Maggie and ask about Christmas Eve.”

Jesse got his phone from the kitchen and dialed. “Hey how’s it going? Merry Christmas!” he said cheerfully. 

Mike went outside and poked around. Jesse had a log splitter. That made sense. Mike had been picturing him out there splitting logs with an ax. He sat on one of the porch chairs. Two little song birds tweeted in a tree nearby.

Jesse came out. “Those are red-breasted nuthatches. One of my other customers has been teaching me bird names. Maggie said she’d be happy to have you. I told her your name is John and you were a friend of my dad’s. The story is my dad is dead. What’s your last name?”

“Wilcox.”

Jesse sat in the other chair. “John Wilcox.” They sat for a moment. “You want some more coffee before we head out?”

“No, I’m good. Where are we headed, just the local store?”

“Yeah, I don’t like to go too far away from home. I know I could be recognized anywhere, but it feels safer out here.”

“Alright.” 

Jesse drove. 

A different cashier was working at the grocery. 

Jesse greeted him, “Merry Christmas, Steve! You still have any Christmas lights?”

“Only big outdoor ones. Who’s your friend?”

“This is John. He was friends with my dad.”

Mike said, “Good to meet you,” and shook his hand. 

They found the lights and some tinsel. The only ornaments that were left either advertised Alaska or were just plain weird like a frog on a candy cane or a flamingo with a Santa hat. 

Jesse asked, “Should we get some candy canes?”

“I did yesterday. They’re in your cupboard.”

“You brought me candy canes?” Jesse shook his head and smiled. 

They stocked up on food, especially ingredients for cookies, since the store would be closed for a couple of days.

/

At home, Jesse put away the food while Mike put the big multicolored lights on the tree. 

Mike put on a different Christmas record. Bing Crosby’s ‘Walking in a Winter Wonderland’ played. It was jazzy, like for dancing. 

Jesse came over, “I got all those at a garage sale – a dollar for the whole crate.”

Mike said “I like this song. Makes me want to dance with you.” He wondered if that was too much to say out loud. 

Jesse took his hand. They held hands for a minute, looking at the partially decorated tree and feeling the heat from the woodstove. 

“It’s gonna look good with tinsel,” Jesse said.

When ‘White Christmas’ started up, Mike took Jesse’s free hand and put it on his shoulder. He looked Jesse in the eye as if to ask if it was alright. Jesse moved in closer and they clasped their free hands. Mike led them in slow, small, circles around the limited floor space.

“I haven’t danced since eleventh grade,” Jesse said softly. 

“You’re doing well.”

“’Cause you’re leading. I’ve never danced this way before. With someone else leading. It’s easy.”

Mike was realizing how lonely he’d been these past months. He said, “Everything with you is easy. I mean you’re easy to be around.”

Jesse let go of Mike’s hand and put both of his hands on the back of Mike’s neck. Jesse kissed him once on the lips. “You’re easy to be around, too.”

Mike didn’t kiss him back. He kept his hands loosely on Jesse’s waist. He had the horrible recollection that that’s where Jesse had been chained by the nazis. He pushed the thought away, as if he was pushing aside all those news stories he’d read about Jesse’s ordeal. 

They danced until the record needed to be flipped.

Jesse went to change it. “You wanna decorate the tree?”

“Yeah.” 

Jesse had some white paper for his sketches and for when the kids came over. They cut out snowflakes the way Kaylee had taught Mike to, folding the paper a certain way so the finished snowflake had six points. 

Jesse broke the silence, “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.”

“Can you still have sex?”

Mike looked up from his craft project. “Not really. I can kinda get something going, but then I lose it.”

Jesse nodded and looked more relieved than anything. At least that’s how it seemed to Mike and he jumped to the conclusion that Jesse had been raped. He thought of the bottle of Viagra he’d hidden in a big bottle of antacids, just in case, and he felt guilty. He honestly hadn’t imagined that it had been sexual at the compound. 

He said, “I didn’t know they did that to you.”

“Just Todd. Just when nobody else was around.”

After a minute Mike said, “I’m not looking for anything from you. If you want me to go, I’ll go. Or if you need your space, I can stay at a hotel in the city.”

“No, I like having you here. And I want to be physical. I’m just nervous.” Jesse went on, “When they had me, I thought a lot about you. You helped me out.”

“What kinds of things would I say?”

“’Steady kid.’” Tears trickled down Jesse’s face. 

Mike put a hand over Jesse’s hand and held it softly. 

Jesse went on after a minute, “You’d sit with me and say ‘You’re strong enough to do this for Brock.’ See, they shot Andrea in front of me and told me Brock was next, if I tried to escape.”

Mike said, “I’m so sorry,” because there was nothing else to say.

Jesse went on, “I thought about that time you slapped me and it sort of helped me keep it together. You said ‘Hang tough. You’re on the homestretch.’ I pretended everyday was the homestretch. I pretended that Todd would lose interest in Lydia and just kill me. That’s what I looked forward to.”

“They had you cooking just so Todd could impress Lydia?”

“They took Walter’s money. They didn’t need to cook.”

Mike had questions, but it wasn’t the time. He tried to comfort Jesse. “And now you have all this: a house, friends, some work. You can take your identity and your money anywhere. You can do anything.”

“I like it here. Especially with you. I was planning on having a really low-key holiday and you’ve made it special.”

“Let’s hang these up, eh?” Mike suggested gently. “I don’t suppose you have any glitter?”

“If you’d told me you were coming, I would have got some,” Jesse said in amusement. “Isn’t the tinsel enough?”

“I suppose so. I think I’m going to go into the city tomorrow. It doesn’t feel right going over to a kid’s house on Christmas Eve without presents.”

“You’re not gonna get a Santa suit are you?”


	3. Chapter 3

The day before Christmas Eve, Mike drove into the city and went shopping for Maggie’s kids. He’d learned from Jesse that the ten-year-old was named Emily, and the seven-year-old was named Everett. Jesse said they liked coloring, reading, and collecting pinecones for their pinecone fort, whatever that was. They weren’t allowed to have a gaming system and they could only watch one show or movie per day. 

With this information, Mike started at the big bookstore. He got one of each coloring book, even the ones with small coloring spaces for stressed out grown-ups. Then he took his full basket and an empty one through the crowds and over to the children’s section. He got some books that he had liked as a kid: “The Chronicles of Narnia,” “The Borrowers,” “Charlotte’s Web,” “Old Yeller.” He didn’t want to risk insulting the children by getting books that were too easy, so he stayed out of the picturebook area. Then he reconsidered and got copies of “Babar” and “Curious George.” 

He hoped his granddaughter was missing him a lot less than he was missing her. 

After a long wait, he checked out. He put the bags in the cab of his truck and headed for the Target store on foot. It was crowded as hell. After two hours, he emerged with crayons, markers, colored pencils, wrapping supplies, and two giant chocolate Santas. 

Mike felt content, even fighting the crowds and trying to drive out of the hectic mall parking lot. He was glad to not be alone in California. He thought a lot about that kiss from Jesse the day before. Part of him thought he should call it off and not pursue a romantic relationship, but the more he thought about it, the more he trusted Jesse to know himself. 

/

When he got back to the cabin, Jesse was out chain-sawing logs. Jesse turned off the chainsaw and took off his helmet with face guard. 

Mike started taking bags out of the cab.

“Wow. That’s a lot of stuff,” Jesse observed, as he walked over to greet him. 

“Yeah, well, they’re kids. They deserve it.”

“Was the traffic bad?”

“Of course.”

Jesse was standing in front of him with saw dust on his clothes. 

“You look good like that,” Mike said.

“Like what?”

“Dirty.” 

Jesse grinned. “Let’s go inside.”

As soon as they were in the door, Jesse’s mouth was on Mike’s. It wasn’t tentative like last night, but needy. Mike dropped the bags and they each pulled off their parkas, scarves, gloves, and hats while trying to still kiss. They had to pause to get their snowy boots off, but then they were back at it. 

Jesse asked breathlessly, “You wanna go to the couch?”

Mike followed him closely and they sat next to each other. Jesse straddled Mike and kissed him hungrily. 

“What happened to taking it slow?” Mike asked when Jesse came up for air.

“I don’t know. Is this too much for you?”

“Me?” Mike couldn’t really think of an answer. It was most definitely not too much for him, but he didn’t want Jesse to have a panic attack.

Jesse held Mike’s face tenderly in his hands. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” 

Mike took Jesse’s hands from his face and clutched them to his chest. “Yesterday you said you were nervous, and now you’re on top of me.”

“But do you like it?”

“Of course, but I’d be here as your friend if that’s what you wanted me to be.”

“I want this. I might change my mind, but this feels right.”

Mike commented, “You’re still wearing your safety chaps.”

“’Cause you like it,” Jesse answered teasingly.

They kissed and kissed. Mike kept his hands mostly to Jesse’s shoulders and waist. 

Jesse’s hands went everywhere. After a while, Jesse started grinding his erection into Mike’s belly. 

It felt good to be desired. Mike hadn’t felt that way in a long time. “We should leave our pants on.”

Jesse answered jokingly, “That makes it difficult, but I can do it.”

“I’m serious.”

“I think it’s okay, if you’re okay.”

“I wanna cool it.”

Jesse got off of him and sat close with his head on Mike’s shoulder. 

They held hands. 

Jesse admitted, “I had heartburn and I looked in your bottle of Tums.”

“I put it there before I knew the full extent of what you’d been through.”

“I know. But now that you know, you’re still interested right?”

“I don’t want to rush you, or remind you of anything bad.”

Jesse asked, “But you still see me that way, even with the scars and everything else?”

Mike was hurt, “Jesus, Jesse you’re so handsome. And I don’t see you as dirty or anything remotely like that. It’s just my fear of scaring you. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed. That’s it. I want you, but I can wait.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jesse didn’t subscribe to the local paper, so Mike read the Alcoholics Anonymous book while he drank his coffee. 

The phone rang. It was mounted to the kitchen wall and had a long cord. 

“Hello, Driscoll residence,” Mike said.

“Hey, you must be the other John.” 

“I am. Are you Maggie?”

“I am. I was calling to ask Jesse a question. Is cooked wine is okay for him? I want to make French Venison Stew and it’s got red wine in it.”

“He’s in the shower. I’m not sure. I know we’re making Rum Balls without the rum, but those aren’t cooked.”

“Yeah. I can make it without the wine, but, well . . . Can you have him call me back?”

“Of course.”

“Okay, see you later.”

“See you later.” Mike hung up.

Jesse came out of the bathroom in jeans and a white cable knit sweater. “Was that Maggie?”

“Yeah. Can you have wine if it’s cooked in soup?”

“Sure. I’ll call her back.” Jesse changed the subject. “I was thinking about those cookies. Don’t we need a mixer?”

“You don’t have one?”

“No. I get my cookies from the nice ladies at Grief Group or AA, or from the store.”

“Maybe ask her if we should make them there.”

/

There was literally snow on the holly wreath, and jingle bells that jingled when Maggie opened the front door.

“Merry Christmas!” She said, “Come in quick, it’s cold.”

Mike’s first thought was that she was beautiful. She was young, maybe thirty. Jesse was only twenty-six, he had to remind himself. She had light brown hair to her shoulders and no make-up that he could see. She looked tough and sensible. 

She hugged Jesse and she hugged Mike too before he knew it was happening. 

“Welcome,” she said kindly. 

“Thanks for having me,” Mike said. “It smells delicious.”

“That’s probably the bread,” she said.

“Maggie makes the best bread,” Jesse attested.

They took off all their winter gear and set down the bags in the mudroom. 

Maggie said, “The kids are in the back. I’ll call them in a minute. Are those presents for them!?” 

Mike nodded, “Nothing fancy, just books and coloring books.”

“Wow, a lot of them! You didn’t have to do that.”

She offered them eggnog and they each had a cup. Maggie and Jesse talked about mutual friends and the salt lamp he’d recently gotten. 

She said, “I think there’s something to it. What do you think, John?” as she was looking at Mike.

“I think it looks pretty.”

Maggie laughed. “Not a believer, huh?”

“Not usually.”

The conversation got him thinking about Jesse’s program and what his higher power might be. Maybe he’d ask him later. 

Jesse picked up the bag of cookie ingredients off the bench in the mudroom and started unloading them on the kitchen counter. 

“This is cool right? We can use the kitchen? Looks like the stew and bread are already cooking.”

Maggie said, “Yeah. Go for it.” 

Mike and Maggie put the gifts under the tree, while Jesse got the cookie operation ready. He was planning on chewy molasses cookies in addition to the no-bake rum balls. 

“Maybe we should call John, Johnny, while you’re in town.” Maggie said to Mike. 

Jessie said, “Sounds fine to me,” as he came into the living room. 

Mike said, “Fine by me.”

Jesse said, “I’m going to go find the kids and see if they want to bake.”

“Oh, I’ll do it,” Maggie said as she got up. 

She put on her coat and headed out.

Jesse offered Mike a hand to help him get up off the floor. 

Mike got up and looked at their handy work around the tree. He’d wrapped every book separately so it looked like a lot. There were a few other boxes and bags to complete the look. 

Jesse quickly kissed Mike on the cheek.

“What if they see? Mike asked.

“I said you’d been my dad’s friend. It’s not too scandalous. Maybe you two were friends and I only met you as an adult, you know?”

“I met you at the funeral. When was that?”

“Two years ago.”

Maggie and her children came bustling in the front door. There were hugs and introductions all around.

“Who’s ready to make cookies?” Jesse asked.

The kids both cried, “Me! Me! Me!” and jumped up and down. 

Emily told the story of trying to make gingerbread men at her Auntie’s house the day before. “They were so sticky, they stuck to the table, and they stuck to the cookie-cutters, and they stuck to the spatula.”

“And they stuck to my head,” Everett chimed in, dancing around.

Emily said, “You weren’t even helping, Everett.”

After some discussion, they decided to make the “rum” balls first. Everett counted out the Nilla Wafers and put them in a Ziploc bag to crush. Emily opened the Coke and measured out a half cup.

Maggie looked at Mike, “Would you like some wine? I had to open it for the stew.”

“No, thank you.”

“So how do you like it – up north?” Maggie asked.

“I like it. It’s cold but quiet and pretty.”

“Yeah we’re having a cold winter,” She agreed. “Good for Johnny’s business though.”

Jesse said “No joke. I barely have a stockpile. It’s all green wood.” 

/

“Okay Everett, if we’re going to open presents, you have to be the Santa and pass them out,” Maggie said. 

Everett put on the Santa hat and looked around under the tree. He picked up a medium-sized box and read the tag out loud, “From John to Emily” before handing it to his sister. She pulled off the reindeer wrapping paper and found the board game “Apples to Apples.”

“Cool! I played this at my friend’s house. Thanks, Johnny.” Emily gave Jesse a hug. She took the Santa hat from her brother and found a present for Jesse. He took off the star wrapping paper from around some handmade slippers. They were like baby’s booties but larger and grey and black striped, with a red puff balls at the ankles. Jesse thanked her profusely. 

Mike smiled, feeling grateful to be included in the celebrations. Then Emily handed him a similar package. His slippers were red and orange striped with blue puff balls at the ankles. 

He opened his mouth in awe, “How did you have time to make these?”

Emily answered, “I can show you. It goes pretty fast and the pompoms are really easy to make.”

“They’re wonderful,” he gushed. Thank you so much sweetheart.” He took off his wool socks and put on the colorful slippers. 

Jesse did the same. He said, “Okay, can I hand out a present to Maggie from me?” He got out the biggest box and handed it to her. It turned out to be a food dehydrator. “I’m not saying I want teriyaki venison jerky, but if you feel inclined that way . . .”

“Thank you! I’ll look into it,” she said, “and I can make all kinds of chips and dried fruits. Ohh, on the box it says fruit leather. Thank you, Johnny. Okay, Everett, pick a present for yourself and we’ll save the rest for tomorrow morning.”

Everett picked a small box from Jesse that turned out to be “Uno,” which they had played at Jesse’s house thousands of times and he’d never got tired of. 

/

On the ride home, Mike was still glowing. He hadn’t been around a family in months. Not really. Not invited in. He didn’t want the feeling to fade.

“Do you have any weapons in your house, Jesse?”

“What?”

“Guns. Whatever.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think you could hurt me in my sleep. I think we could sleep together.”

“Maybe someday. For the record I’ve got bear pepper spray in my truck, the four-wheeler, and the house.”

“They’re around, huh?”

“I’ve never seen prints, but I have a healthy fear of them.”

“I stopped carrying a gun, too,” Mike said. 

They drove a few more miles in the dark with snowflakes flying at them. 

Mike waited a while and then said, “Thank you for including me tonight.”

“Thanks for coming. I’d hold your hand but the road is kinda slippery in spots.”

“By all means, keep ‘em at ten and two. We can hold hands later.”

They were pretty tired by the time they got home, so they just hugged and went to their respective bed and couch to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Mike woke up to the smell of coffee. The bed was warm, but the room was cool and he could see from where he was laying that the snow was falling hard outside. The room didn’t have curtains or blinds. Mike was sleepily mesmerized by the snow. 

He heard Jesse come up to the bedroom doorway. “Merry Christmas. I brought you coffee.”

“Thanks. That's kind of you. Merry Christmas to you, too. ”

Jesse set the mug on the bedside table. “Can I get in with you?”

“It’s your bed.”

“Well it’s good manners to ask anyway,” Jesse joked. He got under the covers in his clothes. He was cold from going outside for firewood, so Mike put an arm around him to help him warm up. 

Jesse put an arm around him too. They lay face to face. 

“I was thinking about you, and us, and I’d like for you to stay,” Jesse said.

“It’s not a big cabin.”

“We’ll remodel or something. Or if you can’t stand it here, we’ll move someplace warmer.”

“No, I think you’ve got a really good thing going here.”

Jesse asked, “Do you want to be a part of it?”

“I want to.”

“Then say ‘yes.’ What’s the downside?”

Mike nuzzled his forehead against Jesse’s forehead and said very quietly, “I don’t know, but I’m afraid there is one.”

Jesse kissed him. His lips were still cold, but Mike didn’t mind at all. 

Jesse said, “The age gap might bother somebody but they won’t say so. People here mind their own business. They don’t ask questions about your past either. Nobody cares, Mike.”

“But am I taking advantage of you? I used to be paternal to you. I mean, I taught you how to shoot. I gave you advice.”

“Mike, I’m a grown ass man. I can decide who I want to be with. It’s condescending to say that since I was held at the compound I can’t make good decisions for myself. I’m still me.”

“I didn’t say anything about the compound.”

“But you were thinking it. You think of me as a victim.”

Mike said softly, “Well if you’re not, who the hell is? . . . Everything they did to you. . .”

“That’s an old way of thinking. I’m an abuse survivor. Todd and them didn’t damage me or make me stronger either. It’s just some shit I have to work through. It’s just part of me. It’s part of my story now, but it’s not the only chapter.” 

“It is a pretty fucking horrible chapter though, Jesse.”

“I know, but trust me that I want you."

They kissed softly.

“I’m assuming you always want the lights on,” Mike said.

Jesse said, “Yeah, lights on. What he did was always in the dark and always quiet, so the others wouldn’t know. Plus it’s my body -- I want you to see it.”

Jesse sat up enough to remove his sweater and t-shirt. 

The scars were pretty bad, Mike couldn’t deny it. He wanted to touch them, but instead he took off his own undershirt and hugged Jesse, chest to chest. It felt so amazing that he had a little stirring in his cock, not enough to do anything with, but some response. 

Jesse touched Mike’s bullet-wound scar on his chest. “Mexico seems like a lifetime ago.”

“It was.”

Jesse asked, “Do you want to try something now?”

“Okay”

“Do you want to take a pill?”

“No. This is just about you.” 

Mike unbuttoned and unzipped Jesse’s pants and Jesse helped pull them off. Jesse’s underwear came off at the same time. 

“You want to talk through it? What we’re doing?” Mike asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to touch your cock now. ‘Cock’ is an okay word right?”

Jesse smiled, “Yeah, it’s good.”

Mike thumbed the tip of Jesse’s erection. It was already slippery. Mike gave a contented sigh as he slid some of that moisture down the shaft. 

“How do you like it?” Mike asked.

Jesse answered, “Slow to start. Really wet.”

“Can I use my mouth?”

Jesse nodded and swallowed. 

Mike got down under the covers and licked the head of Jesse’s cock. It had been years since he’d sucked a dick, but it was just like riding a bicycle – it all comes back to you. After a few licks he took the head into his mouth and sucked. 

He took it out of his mouth. “Okay?”

“Yeah. It feels good. I didn’t mean to be so quiet. It feels good.”

Mike asked if he could lick Jesse’s balls and Jesse made an affirmative sound. 

This time Jesse made appreciative noises. 

Mike licked his balls and the underside of his cock. He sucked on the skin between his balls and the shaft. “Are you sensitive there?”

Jesse answered breathlessly, “It’s so good. I’m sensitive everywhere right now.”

Mike took Jesse’s cock into his mouth deeply and sucked. He bobbed his head slowly, keeping the pressure light and cradling Jesse’s balls that were still wet from his mouth. He looked up and saw Jesse rubbing his own nipples. Mike was glad Jesse felt comfortable enough to do that in front of him. He held Jesse’s dick in his hand while he asked again if everything was okay.

“Kind of.”

Mike took his hands off Jesse’s body and sat up. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, you’re great. The thoughts just come in.”

“You think about whatever you think about, but know that you’re safe with me. We can take a break if you want.”

“No, I want your mouth.” 

Mike took the full length of Jesse’s cock into his mouth, getting happy moans in response. It felt so good to make Jesse feel good. He held the base with one hand and teased the head with fast little licks across the slit. Jesse’s body tensed as he spurt cum. Mike kept going with the little licks until Jesse was spent. Mike’s face was a mess with it. He lay his head down on Jesse’s belly to rest for a second.

Jesse said, “That was amazing.”

Mike sat up and looked at him, while wiping cum from his goatee and mustache. 

Jesse nodded off. 

Mike went and washed his hands and face. He put on a quiet Christmas album and lay down on the couch. 

The house phone rang. 

Jesse came through the living room in a robe. “I should get it. It might be somebody from Grief Group.” 

Mike didn’t want to eavesdrop, but the cabin was small, and it was colder than a witch’s tit outside. He decided to run a bath. Jesse had an antique clawfoot bathtub, which was fancy, but the layout of the bathroom was not. The washer, dryer, and water heater were all in there. There was a utility sink a few feet away from the hand-washing sink. He wondered what the previous tenant had used the utility sink for. Tanning hides? Washing delicate clothing? 

He closed the bathroom door and turned on the bath-tap to drown out the sound of Jesse’s conversation. He put a couple pumps of hand soap in the water and got undressed. 

The other strange thing about the bathroom was a window that was level with the top of the tub. The shower curtains for the tub/shower covered it, but it was there, letting in morning winter light. Mike got in the bath and lay down even though it wasn’t full yet. Slowly the water level came up and heated his body. 

He thought about the cabin, and the town, and the city that wasn’t really very close at all. He wondered if he could live there. If he could carve out a life separate from Jesse’s. Find things to do. Not that he’d done much in California. 

He was sleepy. Maybe Jesse would come in the tub with him once he got off the phone. 

Mike moved the shower curtain aside and watched the snow fall on the trees. 

Eventually Jesse knocked on the bathroom door.

“Come in,” Mike answered.

“Hey. That was Everett. Well, all of them. He wanted to thank us for the presents and tell me about the other stuff they got, and tell me jokes, and I don’t even know. He had a lot to say.”

“Do you wanna get in with me?”

“Yeah? You gonna sit in the back like ‘Pretty Woman’?”

“However you want me.”

Jesse slipped out of the robe and got in in front of Mike. Once he’d settled and laid his head back on Mike’s collar bone, Mike asked, “What joke did he tell you?”

“Everett? Oh, he said a kid was giving his teacher chocolate covered raisins every day and the teacher loved to eat them, but one day the kid didn’t bring any and the teacher asked why. The kid says, ‘My rabbit died.”

Mike gave half a chuckle. “I’ve never heard that one. Kaylee’s mother frowned on scatological humor.”

Jesse put his hand and Mike’s thigh as if to be reassuring. “At least you know she’s taken care of. You know? She’s got her mom. She’s gonna be okay.”

“I know. I just miss her.” Mike said, “I’ll research Brock for you. He’s got family right? I’ll make sure he’s okay.”

“Thank you.”

Mike ran his hands over the bumpy scars of Jesse’s belly. “I didn’t really get you anything for Christmas. I thought about it at the mall, but nothing seemed right.”

“You got me the plant.”

“True.”

Jesse said, “I didn’t get you anything either. If I’d known you were coming, I would have had Emily teach me how the make a scarf or something.”

Mike said, “Maybe next year.” He hadn’t really thought about it before he said it. 

“You’ll stay then?”

“Yes, if you’ll have me.”

When their bath cooled they added more hot water. The snow outside deepened, and they didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line, “You think about whatever you think about, but know that you’re safe with me,” is paraphrased from the show “True Blood.” Some other lines are purposely similar to lines in “Better Call Saul.”


End file.
